Aditi's Monologue

No sadder reason than suicide to return to blogging, but hey, here I am.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I am glad there is something like this in today’s world. We are far from a society where empathy is easily accessible, but it gives me hope that we have started the conversation on larger, bigger, much louder stages at various places around the world, and if this helps even one person, I think it’s worth it.

Mental health is important, all of us agree. But we will never know the weight depression, anxiety and another kind of mental conditions, of the ugly crevices and the greasy sticky rock bottom until we experience it ourselves. And suicide is often (not always) a result of hopelessness, of no reason to continue, or sheer darkness.

From my limited knowledge, most people who have suicidal thoughts or inclination don’t want to end their life, they want to end the pain, the suffering. Just imagine feeling so low that you think the only way out is death. Over the years I have heard several reasons: The pain feels so heavy that there seems no way out. Everything else in life feels pointless. There is no reason to go on. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever the reason, there is always hope. And we can be that hope. We never know who is suffering, but being compassionate and kind helps. Check on your friends. Ask direct questions. Talk. Ask them to stay.

And if you are someone who has suicidal thoughts, I now talk directly to you.

Please, don’t. The suffering – whatever it is – will pass. You seem to be stuck right now, but you will move. It looks dark today, but the sun will rise again. This heartbreak, that loss, the sadness, the weight of the world – Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth giving up your life for. Don’t go. Stay. Please. It gets better, I promise.

I wrote a poem some time back on heartbreak, it was actually going to be a part of a book that I was writing and then abandoned midway, somewhere after 25 thousand words because it was getting too dark. Maybe I will pick it up and finish it someday, but for today, I share with you a poem the protagonist writes. Consider this my dark contribution towards #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

Never Enough: A poem on heartbreak

The neighbors complain

They can’t sleep

Because my heart is beating

So goddamn loud

You say maybe

We should take a break

I tell you I’m not that evolved

It makes no sense to me

I believed every word you said

I believed it was me you loved.

But some wars are more important

Longlasting wars that now feel like peace

And I now learn that

You have to return to yours.

While my war becomes this, becomes you.

And between trusting your honey-dipped words

And overdosing on your sandalwood scent

I forgot that I am

Never enough.

I can smell something burn

The smoke is pricking my eyes

I can’t breathe and I’m crying

I am never enough.

And this heart

It beats and beats and beats

And I hope it stops

But hope is a fickle thing.

I should have learned long ago

To never trust hope,

But it looks like a glass of Sangria

With a hint of cinnamon,

And I can’t resist.

You say you don’t need me anymore

I say – but I do…

But you don’t listen

You’re already leaving

Out of the door

You never look back anyway

I’d know.

So I hold my ribs

And I run inside

Hide in a corner

Softly telling my heart to stop.

Stop stop stop.

I hope the neighbors find me here

When they come complaining

Of the silence.