Misguided by Women Magazines? Ha Ha Ha (Points And Laughs)

I picked up a fat glossy women’s magazine last week from a street vendor. To be honest, I’ve never been big on magazines. I read some Cosmopolitan back in college but then that’s almost mandatory in that age, and it is never terminal. I of course recovered and now I only pick up a Marie Claire, a Femina or a Good Homes only when I’m waiting my turn for a haircut, at a dentist or in the loo where there’s nothing else to read.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the concept of a Women’s Magazine per se. Infact, they can be great fun at times – Latest gossip to keep you well informed, pages and pages of alluring beauty products that make you drool and sometimes even half a good article or something to stir your thoughts. My point is – Its all good and sugary only until you weigh your time and money spent against the supposed Women’s Wisdom you’ve gained through these innocent looking pages. Let me explain.

“Sure Shot Way To Win Your Man Over”

·         Cook Sushi for him
·         Look him in the eye and tilt your head to your side, just a little
·         Give him a blow job

See my point? I mean what self respecting woman in a right frame of mind would, first of all, want relationship advice from a magazine, and second of all, believe the pointers they give?
Another example: 
“50 Great Things To Do With Your Breasts”
These ‘great’ things are on the general line of Stick-you-ID-and-Credit-Card-In-Your-Cleavage-To-Go-Purse-Free and, beat this, Go-Bra-Less-On-A-Night-Out-And-Wear-A-Low-Cut-Shirt-To-Make-It-Obvious. I kid you not, these are word to word tips from a magazine I downloaded online.

What’s interesting is that most of the magazines focus on sex as their life depended on us having sex, and even then their sex moves are old recycled rubbish from – I assume – their own older editions. Seriously, leather lingerie and whipped cream? Yawn.

Here are a few sections that the entire hundred and forty eight Women’s Magazines in the country feature regularly and which of course are of little use to any real women with half an ounce of dignity.

Editor’s Note: Believe it or not, this is often a rich piece of content in a magazine. Or should be. In reality, these Editor’s Notes are not-so-subtle reminders of the good old Table of Content with nothing but a list of the Cover Story on How to Find Out If Your Man is Cheating on You, the Star Interview claiming to give you a ‘never seen before’ aspect of Sonam Kapoor’s life, the Diet of the Month for you to fail at (yet again), and other such unoriginal junk. Completely blah.

Special Edition: These editions are fatter, glossier, and more expensive than your plain Jane regular ones. Reason for a special edition are numerous – Anniversary of the Mag? Yes! Milestone year for the publication group? Hell Yes! Country’s Independence Day? Of course! Womens’ Day? Bring it on! Editors’ birthday? What the hell, WHY NOT? This only means a bigger star on the cover, more full-page ads from Brands that have a store only in Mumbai (or sometimes Delhi), a fifteen page collection of photographs of ‘The Years Gone By’ and a series of lame articles or interviews that you quit reading half way.

Full-Page Ads: They are the essence of every Woman’s Magazine I’ve seen recently. Brands advertise uncontrollably – Makeup giants, discreet Plastic Surgery clinics, Hair Care / Skin Care ranges, Clothes and accessories that nudge you in the ribs to chase the elusive ‘in’ feeling. These ads occupy a good 75% of the magazine. Come Special Editions and it goes up to 80%. But don’t blame the mag staff, this is probably how they are earning their revenue, poor things.

Must-Haves for The Season: This section is often the biggest, next only to the full page ads. This will have attractive, tugging-at-your-heart display of the latest range of Dresses, Handbags, Fragrances, Shoes, Makeup Items and other carp you can’t afford. I mean, who goes out shopping every three months to replace everything (clothes to makeup) with new stuff that’s supposedly chic? I know I don’t. (But then, that’s maybe because I don’t have money and I’m not size zero. Are you?) It gets really funny when on the next page is a wise article written in a stern tone telling you to de-clutter your wardrobe in order to gain spirituality. Some of them do have a sense of humor after all, I think.

Regular (lame) features: This has a list of interesting stuff like Astrology readings, Quizzes, a Guy’s Corner and Reader’s Letters who swear by the magazine’s influence on their life. Most fun is the Confession (or Sex Advice in some) where a dubious girl who slept with her cousin’s fiancée but is actually a lesbian is confessing to having relationship troubles. Jeez! I’m still holding hope for some mag-insider to tell me they have a job profile exclusively for coming up with such bizarre things. I’m applying! 

Cover Story: A cover story, generally flaunted to no end on the cover page, claiming to be super original and ground breaking, is generally something on the theme of “What Not To Say To A Man” – answers are ‘I missed my period’ or ‘What’s your ATM pin?’ – or ‘“How To Know He’s Into You For The Long Run” with clever pointers like ‘He ditches his male friends for you’ and ‘His eyes widen when he looks at you.’ Pffftttt! Next time a guy looks at you with wide eyes – maybe because you said something like missing your period – you snap your fingers and say “Hey you! Wide eyes, mister. Gotcha!” Then start preparing for your wedding.
I’m kidding. Don’t ever do that. Telling you in case you’re that woman who reads and believes these magazines. WHAT? There has to be somebody who believes them! How else do you explain the slow fall of newspapers but the steady growth of such Magazines?

And if you are a self confessed lover of the magazines, stop wasting your money and just write to me. I can give you your monthly – okay fortnight if you insist – dose of suffering by telling you how you suck in life if you don’t have a clue about the season’s hottest eye makeup, by bullying you to perform better at work by wearing empowering work-attire and the right accessories, by giving you tips to be a sexpot at home (Feathers and cleavage, right?) and by encouraging you to stop eating to become fabulously skinny for the world. Brilliant, I think. 
So. Who’s game?

Post Author: Aditi Mathur Kumar

Author. Traveller. Blogger. Talker. Eavesdropper.

29 thoughts on “Misguided by Women Magazines? Ha Ha Ha (Points And Laughs)

  • Nimue

    (December 21, 2011 - 2:03 pm)

    I feel so good I always carry my own book so i am spared from reading this any time ..

  • PeeVee™

    (December 21, 2011 - 4:05 pm)

    I used to love Women's Era for the fiction they used to carry, the key word here 'used to'.

    I bought a Marie Claire some six months back just because I had nothing else to do, my first one in six years, and all I find inside are photos. Of stars, of clothes, of lingerie, of accessories, of perfumes… you name it, it's there.
    And I counted, yes, COUNTED, a total of 13 pages of writing. In a 150-odd page special.
    Never again.

    And to think that there are people who love these books, people who subscribe regularly. I would rather believe better about Indian women.

  • Tanya

    (December 22, 2011 - 4:59 pm)

    A brilliant parody, my friend.

  • Purvi

    (December 23, 2011 - 6:21 am)

    Vert well written 🙂 🙂 I have always tilted towards fashion magazines and not these women magazines but i must say you have described them well 🙂 🙂

  • Priya

    (December 23, 2011 - 9:05 am)

    Absolutely sizzling! Keep it up 🙂

  • Santa

    (December 23, 2011 - 9:39 am)

    Love the way you write, although the only times I probably read (opened) these mags, was when I was forced (??) to wait for my wife to get her eyebrows done :P, and yes I totally agree with your assessment….

  • varsha

    (December 23, 2011 - 12:05 pm)

    lovely post : all womens magazines shd also have a Disclosure Policy regarding photoshopping.

  • Anonymous

    (December 23, 2011 - 6:51 pm)

    your blogpost was as delicious as the confession sections in these magazines! at one point i used to actually just skim to the part about the sordid deeds…so THATS where all the deviant knowledge came from!

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:49 am)

    Nimue: Ditto! Books/Novels are the real deal for people like us.

    PeeVee: Exactly! 13 pages of content and too not up to some great standard – just some junk like I mentioned. Sad state, no?

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:49 am)

    Tanya: Thanks for dropping by Tanya! 🙂

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:51 am)

    Purvi: Fashion is an art and I LOVE it too, needless to say. But pages and pages of unaffordable stuff is only seen in these brainless magazines. Glad we get our Fashion dose from better ones 🙂

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:52 am)

    Priya: Thanks a bunch, it means a lot 🙂

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:53 am)

    Santa: Hahaha! I know what you mean, my husband was reading Hello! Once, when I emerged out of a beauty session and he was in a bad mood for the entire day 😛

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:53 am)

    Varsha: I agree! Also, people should stop buying them, but then that's just me 😛

  • Adi Crazy

    (December 24, 2011 - 6:54 am)

    Anon: Hahaha! That's a compliment, I guess (?) Thanks much!

  • Smita

    (December 24, 2011 - 10:21 am)

    hehehe u have pretty much summed it nicely!!!

    I feel if you have read all these mag from cover to cover for one full year then consider that you have read them all. Same featrues same advices same special editions. Bah!!!

    And they still get sold!!!

  • Madhusha

    (December 24, 2011 - 11:35 am)

    hjhahahhahaha! I love the part on "eyes going wide"
    So true! Relationship advises and the bizarre relationship issues. There wasa time i loved reading that column, I still flip thru in parlours and laugh my heart out. It leaves some meat for eyerolls and sarcasm….!

  • Indumathy Sukanya

    (December 25, 2011 - 4:18 am)

    True…the damned fat bitches make people feel so dumb and useless! Yeah, neither am i size zero nor do i have money…so i dont 'refresh' my wardrobe in years…so what? you dont come along, telling me that i have no zest for life, you ad-revenued-tacky-lipstick-wearing-mag-editor!

    Seriously! but dont blame them…they're just doing their job..and hell, are they being paid well…with perks n all!

  • Nirvana

    (December 26, 2011 - 9:38 am)

    omygod! hilarious take! My first time here, and glad I did come over!

  • Ana_treek

    (January 5, 2012 - 11:56 am)

    Every time I pick up a femina, I think maybe this time it'll be worth it..but hmmm, never!

  • gautam maitra

    (January 5, 2012 - 8:02 pm)

    reallly interesting till the end.thanks

  • akanksha

    (February 6, 2012 - 4:21 pm)

    Bull's Eye! Wonder who reads all that crap.

  • Maashik cholchhe

    (February 10, 2012 - 11:49 am)

    "give him a blowjob"- common its not such a bad idea 😛

  • ccccccc

    (February 15, 2012 - 7:41 pm)

    i think your blog is very inspiring i knew lots of women websites
    online women magazines
    fashion magazine household cooking Recipes etc but ppl are not daring to make a blog like yours

  • animesh shah

    (May 12, 2012 - 2:55 pm)

    that was hilarious…

  • prakhar..

    (July 22, 2012 - 8:05 pm)

    i couldn't stop laughing!!!!
    v well written!!!!
    njoeed every piece of it!!! 🙂

  • princess rumani

    (July 23, 2012 - 6:15 pm)

    i really enjoyed reading it…. cool parody…

  • Shail Mohan

    (January 16, 2013 - 6:16 am)

    I don't know how I landed here. But loved your post. I am sharing hits. But the word verification sucks. 🙁

  • sharmila

    (January 16, 2013 - 10:23 am)

    Absolutely loved the post.Glad it was shared on fb by a friend 🙂

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