A Friend That Was

Dear Friend

This week is probably THE most important week in your life and out of nowhere, I find myself thinking about you today, after all these days. I imagine your excitement, your tears and your immeasurable joy, and then quickly go on to ponder over the text message I will be sending you when I get the news. I have pretty much decided on – ‘Hey! Congratulations & God Bless. Love always – Aditi.’ 

Nice, crisp and apt, but not exactly a note you’d send a friend, right? 

We were really good friends, weren’t we?
Or should I call you an ex-friend, now that we don’t speak anymore? 

It’s funny how we always tend to use the word ‘ex’ for boyfriends alone. ‘My ex’ almost always means a past boyfriend, and never a friendship that was.

I wonder why.

Both are relationships that are important, in fact friendships, in my opinion, are far more important that boys etc – than why does the ex-boyfriend gets so much more importance over a lost friendship? 

I wonder why we cry and mourn so much at the end of a relationship with a supposed ‘lover’ or an entirely phoney ‘The One’, and not feel a thing when a friendship dies. Okay, maybe we do feel a thing, a prick in the heart, or a faint disappointment – but we are experts in suppressing and ignoring it completely. Because hey, random not-so-old friends aren’t really worth it, no? Pathetic, I know. We are seasoned to move-on from all things non-family, non-romance or non-monetary. Strange, don’t you think? 

Isn’t there love, bonds and strong attachment in friends? Don’t we invest ourselves in our friendships as well? Don’t we thanks God for good friends? Then why do we disregard it completely and claim to be ‘strong’ when a friend walks off our lives? 

It spreads a dull ache all over me when I realize that I’m over-thinking this now, but I didn’t really try to mend things back then. I just let it be. Pity. Because we have been such good buddies, dear ex-friend. 

Well, as good as two hyper-girls in a same situation at the same time can be – experiencing, sharing and learning together. Didn’t really see the ups and downs together, we two, but we did have hour long calls and secret giggles. We did not experience each other’s teenage crushes, but we did understand that month long loneliness we both went through. You had no idea how passionate I was about my profession, but then you did know about my total lack of passion for cooking which is a secret to many. I knew little about your childhood, but I experienced your passion as a confident woman you now are. Sometimes a few long months of constantly being together is almost as good as childhood bonds, I guess.

I smile when I think of our dressing disasters together, our synchronized fuck-ups in the new culture that became our collective memories, and our futile gym sessions where we ate cookies together and then jumped on the tread mill to burn those calories instantly. A couple of crazy girls we were, two misfits trying to be a part of this new, almost foreign society. (Yes I’m talking about the Army wife life)

And then, snap! We were no longer friends, just like that. I wonder what really happened. This enigmatic, foreign society taught us to be serious, maybe even less open, and we got lost somewhere in our own lives which were different now, geographically. I can’t be sure, but I think we started to trust less and blame easily. Maybe it was right too, who am I to say! Maybe one of us learned the lessons faster, leaving the other behind – or both of us learned different lessons and decided to follow them for our own good. Who can tell?

And now we are both happy in our lives, in our separate bubbles. Nothing has changed after we suddenly stopped talking, none of us tried to reach out and patch things up. “Just let it be, it’s for the good.” – I’m sure we have both been told, and we believed it. We carried on; this was just another hitch in the road of life. No tears were shed – no loss acknowledged. Two strong women going their own way, doing their own thing and not breaking the rhythm of life by dwelling on tiny little things. 
That’s how it’s supposed to be, right? 

I mean, I know that we are supposed to try hard for boyfriends, and even harder for BFFs. But for someone we became friends with just a year back? That’s considered needy. It doesn’t matter how easily you fell into that friendship, we seem to act according to categories – BFFs / Boyfriends / Old Friends.

What about just plain friends, in all true sense of the word?

Yeah, we pretend to just not care.

But what do we do about the friendship that was? Bury it deep and never think about it? Leave it in that one moment in the past, and never go back? Or carry it around like a tiny pebble in our pocket that our palms feel but our fingers can’t quite hold? 

I’m sure we will meet again dear ex-friend; it’s a small world after all. I think I’ll be cordial with you then, flash a warm smile and hope hard to be rescued by someone to avoid any conversation. And you? Probably the same as me, yes. But all this while we’ll know what that twitch of the mouth means and will try hard not to giggle on a certain hair-do we found silly, and oh, a million things! 

We will be pros at avoiding our natural behavior by then, I suppose. 

Later on, we will think about each other before going to bed, only for a few seconds, before we realize it’s useless and will shrug the thought off. We’ll carry on with our lives, not thinking about a friend that was.

And so here I am, saying what none of us will ever think consciously about –that I might have not cried or even actually been sad at the addition of the word ‘Ex’ to your name in my life, but I still sometimes think of our good times together and smile.

I hope you smile too, when you think of those times.

With love
An ex-friend.


Post Author: Aditi Mathur Kumar

Author. Traveller. Blogger. Talker. Eavesdropper.

16 thoughts on “A Friend That Was

  • mohini

    (April 5, 2011 - 10:41 am)

    ITs intresting…I liked..seriously reminded me of my EX FRIEND

  • Magik

    (April 5, 2011 - 2:43 pm)

    brilliant writing. regards.

  • M

    (April 8, 2011 - 5:15 am)

    lovely write up 🙂 Touched a chord…i remembered my ex – friend too !!!!

  • long roads

    (April 8, 2011 - 8:42 am)

    Touched me.

  • Sam P

    (April 9, 2011 - 9:36 am)

    Oh I love this one! Reminded me of a close friend I don't see anymore…Got an urge to pick up the phone and call him 🙂

  • Anonymous

    (April 9, 2011 - 10:55 am)

    Why not call her then Adi?
    Friends are precious and you surely know that!


  • sritatsat

    (April 15, 2011 - 9:56 pm)

    "No good thing ever dies"- Shawshank Redemption

    Cheers !

  • Sam

    (April 18, 2011 - 5:06 am)

    You know Adi, just last evening I met a very close friend after ages. We were best buddies and then drifted apart. A few days ago, I was going through a rough patch and had this urge to call him after ages.
    Believe me, it just took that one call and things are like before, we didn't even discuss our non communicative behaviour of past few months. And the strangest part is that he asked how you were doing. He's the only friend who knows about my existence on the web space and therefore knows that I met you and one of the rare girls and I got along with.
    Anyways, a long long one this was. How've you been, take care sweety..

  • Sach!

    (May 6, 2011 - 6:35 pm)

    🙁 get back to people who hold a past worth being in your present…

  • Adi Crazy

    (May 15, 2011 - 5:44 pm)

    Thanks all 🙂

  • Gunj

    (June 11, 2011 - 6:47 am)

    brilliant wont be enough here…loved this post!

  • Jayasudha

    (September 5, 2011 - 10:35 am)

    I can relate to it soo much….:)

    Loved ur blog adi !!!

  • Sherrii

    (November 15, 2011 - 7:30 am)

    This is one of your best posts ever. Read it twice already. Keep writing!

  • vishalbheeroo

    (February 25, 2016 - 2:24 am)

    Relationship fuck ups pain us a lot. A brilliant post so well written where you bore your heart out. That’s what makes this post post amazing. So true how we use to word ex for romance relationship yet we invest so much in friendship and losing a part of ourselves.

  • pratikshya2

    (March 11, 2016 - 10:41 am)

    I heard some of my thoughts here… poignant piece…

    • Aditi Mathur Kumar

      (March 12, 2016 - 2:19 pm)

      Yes, I’ve been told that this post resonates with a lot of us. I poured my heart out here, and I am happy to report to you that the friend I wrote this post about, is in touch again and she loves this post too, haha. Thank God for friends, right? 🙂
      Thank you so much for the comment, especially since I’ve lost all previous comments in my migration. Means a lot!

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