This is the first in my new “How to…” series I thought of recently. This series is intended to educate my darling readers on all the “How to..”s in the world. So here we go.
Celebrity Blogger. Ah! Now that’s a touchy subject. The longing…the desire. My creativity is constantly poking me, glaring at me and is about to abandon me for failing it in reaching the “famous blogging celebrity” status. In another life time I guess. Sigh.
But what I can do in this life and help make others life a bit meaningful is share some tips, some amazing tricks to behave, read again – behave – like a celebrity blogger. Afterall, its all in the behavior, someone has said. Yessss, someone really really said that, trust me! Okay…so – Never mind if you are not getting some freaking thousand unique visitors per day, if your fail to collect some 96 comments on each oh-I-wrote-it-just-like-that regular post you of yours, if no one’s blogrolling you, if 5 diggs are all you can manage by blackmailing friends and from your own fake ID’s, if you haven’t even thought about being invited to a radio station like Meow FM104.8 to give some gyan on blogging strategies, if you hate the “site count” widget on site, if you dread loging in to Google Analytics and if you seriously think hard and go mad before you want to write a blog post and if – I hate to say this – if if IF you are not a celebrity blogger (of course you are not, otherwise you would’nt even read my blog, you would’nt even know I exist) – let me help you my friend.
One of the peculiarities of modern life is that we shield ourselves from unpleasantness like the realization of being an unknown blogger. Amazing line that is, thank you. So my extensive research on these celebrities of Web 2.0 world, has put me in a strong position to flaunt my knowledge about their behavior and conduct, you know how effective and sense-full my researches and surveys are – I’m sure you remember the Meaow Survey. *achievement smile* So don’t worry, don’t try too hard at blogging, just follow the golden, ruby and expensive flashy diamond studded rules by cute me.
1. Write anything, research for hours, brood for days on a topic, but when you write give an impression to your reader that you wrote it in the 7 minute loo break or 5 min sutta break you took from your responsibility-loaded job and/or life.
2. Now stop writing stooooopid stuff about your dog, cat, turtle, your day, your blah blah blah. Celebrities don’t do that! Write about serious stuff like book reviews, view on masala movies, the spreading gayism and global warming. Actually, you can copy a few topics from your favorite blogger but you really need to be careful with this one – you should not be blamed for plagiarism. So be smart and copy the mighty. Imitation is flattery except when it is satire. And if it is satire, do it excellently. You’ll cruise.
3. Show your better side to your readers and promote one lowbrow bloggers once a month. Recommend or Suggest or invent a similar word for this cause and generously appreciate this blogger and his style. End it with a sugary statement like“Read his blog. Its great” and mesmerised in your charm, your readers will obediently go click-click on the link. See, its all about ruling your simple-soul-readers. But hang on, remember to keep it short and subtle – just one paragraph. And focus on your good side rather than this bloggers skills. Now you have established yourself as a thoughtful and angel of a blogger. Your readers will love you even more.
Off the record, if any of you is ready to pay me embarrassingly good amount of money or chocolates, I can promote your blog here, regardless of what crap you write. Excuse me, this is a decent enough blog and if anyone else doesn’t click on your link, I’ll do it myself 23 number of times each day. See? Think about it.
4. And don’t you go signing into your account 20 times per hour just to check your comment count. Its so so so low standard, I tell you! Make yourself feel at ease with all this business. Make yourself believe that all this is a fickle worldly pleasure which only lets you down. (ask me!)
5. Another important thing – Don’t go answering every freaking comment that comes on your post. Fight that carnal urge to type similes and lolzz and thankyous in your own comment section. I know darlings, it is tough, but you have to be in control because the great grandfathers of blogging never NEVER neverrrr answer their comments. Yes sweets, it might sound rude and cheeky to lesser mortals like you and me, but its time we stopped being just a human and move towards being a blogger. Yes.
6. Another thing I’ve noticed is the presence of trolls in the comments of all these biggies. What I intelligently derive out of this is you have to have trolls and I-so-f@$king-hate-what-you-write comments in every second post. Attract trolls (I don’t know how!!!), bribe your friends, write nasty things yourself using a fake name or best, go for the “anon” option. It works. And at least you’ll feel good. 🙂
7. Once in a while, remember to talk about imaginary “Blogger Meets” and casually mention a few famous nick names from the famous blogs. For this you’ve got to have an eye for detail.
8. Play around with Photo Shop or some new high-definition technology and design a “Most humorous Blog by da da da” or ” Blogger of the month/day/hour/whatever”, get the HTML code and flaunt it on your blog.
This is it for the start. Follow it and the rest will fall into place. Have no doubts, my friends – trust me, all the writers do this to lift their persona. And there are plenty of lessons to be learned to get into the celebrity mode. Badly done efforts wont gain much credence and will go unnoticed, so let’s all pledge together that come what may, we’ll behave like a daddy blogger, and some day – we’ll walk the red carpet.